Considering the fact I barely woke up and haven’t eaten anything to start up the snarky part of my brain, this post won’t be as sarcastic or angry as the previous ones.
But I will say, HOLY CRAP WE’RE ACTUALLY IN AN MMO GAISE. OMG. IT’S FINALLY HAPPENING. It’s called Sword Art ONLINE for a reason. I don’t know wtf has been happening for the last 3 episodes. Oh right. We were establishing the awesomeness of Kirito’s next heremette. (aka Sinon.)
Anyways, the episode starts off and Kirito is giving his idiotic speech about how he’s “99% sure DEASU GUNNU is a myth”. Stop. DEASU GUNNU is a FACT. It’s whether or not he can kill people that’s the myth. But who cares about dialogue in an anime about pandering? I mean action. Action. It’s funny because Kirito talks about how he can’t believe video games can kill people in real life. Remember the incident concerning, oh, 10,000 people just last year? How many died again? Shut your hole, Kirito.
WHAAAATTTT?! Kirito’s avatar in game is female?! What a shocker considering the promos and opening NEVER revealed this! Wow! Screw you, A-1 pictures. SAO is bad as it is but the way they revealed everything makes it even worse. Actually, it’s kind of funny. Not “haha” funny, but funny as in A-1 pictures just shoved a stick up SAO’s mighty arse.
Talk about pathetic. Kirito’s portrayal of being a girl is to apparently act woefully cheerful and cutesy. Because that’s just how all girls are, ya know? This scene made me slightly die inside.
I’m pretty sure SAO has now fulfilled every single wish fulfilling fetish there ever was. Tentacle rape? Check. Girls with giant boobs? Check. Girls with nice butts? Check. Crotch shots? Check. Girl with glasses? Check. Lolis? Check. Incest? Check. Groping nurses? Check. The only thing missing is the crossdress fetish. Wait…CHECK!
Wow. Apparently it wasn’t enough that every girl immediately fell in love with Kirito without him trying. Now even GUYS have to hit on him too. Because he’s just that desirable, right? All hail the Gary Mary Sue!
I can’t even stress how stupid Kirito’s female avatar is. The fact that it was random just gives more proof that Kawahara doesn’t know anything about MMOs. He’s probably never even played one before! Everyone knows one of the best things about MMOs is the fact you can customize your character. Your in-game self is designed how YOU want it to look. Who the F*CK came up with the idea of random customization? I would be pissed off if I was given an avatar to look like this gap-toothed ding dong:
I’m not the only one who thought of Moliere from Atlantis during this scene, am I?
If default designs were based on pure luck…no. Just no.
It’s funny because everyone in SAO acts like pretending to be a female online is uncommon. (If it looks female it MUST be female!!!!!) No one would DARE pretend to be the opposite gender ONLINE! That’s ridiculous! 
Also, WHY does Kirito bother to hide he’s a male? Why? Don’t give me the “he’s undercover” bull either. If entering that BOB tournament as a noob doesn’t already seem suspicious, then I don’t know what is.
So Kirito and his new BFF/haremette go shopping! And that’s…pretty much the entirety of the episode. No, really. And since Kirito doesn’t have enough money for weapons, he decides to gamble and play a minigame to get money. (By the way, why didn’t the people who hired him GIVE him an account? You know. One that’s already tricked out with the best weapons, plenty of money, etc.?)
Again, projecting the path of bullets COMPLETELY defeats the purpose of FPS.
Everyone acts like it’s SUCH a difficult game so that it’ll look that much more impressive when Kirito beats it on his first try. WHICH IS EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENS.
(OMG Digital Jesus is just TOO COOL.)
Of course there are swords in this world too! Why wouldn’t there be? Kirito wouldn’t be Kirito WITHOUT a super special sword! He also buys a handgun and I’m going to guess that he’ll be able to duel wield his weapons. Which will be some super special skill that only Kirito has. Because Kirito is just so super specially special. News flash – if you can deflect bullets with the light saber, why doesn’t anyone use them?! Probably because Kirito will be the only one that can do that. He’s the best after all. Plus 100 Gary Stu points to team Kirito!
Sinon and Kirito apparently lost track of time and now only have a few minutes before they can sign up for BOB. In every online game with tournaments I’ve ever played, a public message would be sent to every player reminding them to sign up. This was just laughable. It was just an excuse to make Kirito look super amazing because he can ride a motorcycle.
You’re forgetting he’s Digital Jesus, Sinon. He can do anything.
Oh so THAT’S why Kirito has a motorbike in real life! So he can ride on one in a video game!!! Here’s a thought – If no one can ride those bikes, WHY IS IT POSSIBLE TO RENT THEM?! Also, the thought of an MMO without teleportation devices makes my soul cringe.
Do you know how many quests require you to do things in different areas? This is so stupid. Again, Kawahara knows nothing about video games. NOTHING.
To sum it up, everything in this episode should’ve happened in either the 1st or 2nd episode. But nooooo. We had to first establish how awesome Sinon was and throw a pity party for her at the same time.
I can’t. It’s only getting worse. But how much worse can it get? That is the true question.
And the “Highlight of the Episode” award goes to…
The design of the city. Because cyberpunk.
Well…I lied about this post not being sarcastic. I guess even without my morning glass of orange juice I can still be snarky. Join me next week for another look into the world of Harem Fetishes Online!
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